“County Law! Izzat County Law??!?! County Law!! County Law!!! We gonna be on County Law!!! Oh Yeah, umm…bye-bye sister. Weeeeee-hawwww!!!! COUNTY LAW!!!!!!!!!”

Ohhhhh, Alabama. I just ♥ you. But, not in that way. That kinda tender, sweet Alabammy lovin’ is better left between you & your cousins. Or your Uncles. Or…livestock. Whomever’s  got more teeth than you, I guess.

—Uncle Phil

I have this horrible ability to always know that the twist ending in a movie is, not because I’m smart or understand the esoteric nature of storytelling…I have no clue why, perhaps I’m psychic.  This doesn’t really make the movie less enjoyable for me, but I really wish one day I would be surprised by a twist in the plot.

I’ve been concerned the last few years that perhaps I’m flirting with paranoid schizophrenia, that one day I may indeed go crazy.  Well, that’s over stating it a bit…I was just going for something dramatic.  To be truthful however, paranoia has always been a cross for me to bear in my personal life, so it only makes sense that in some way it would transfer over to my intake of entertainment.  Note that fact that this paranoia I speak of is not something debilitating but still an aspect of my personality I would rather be different.

Anyways, enough of exploring my own psyche.  I just watched Shutter Island (I know it’s old news) and totally saw the ending coming.  I loved the movie, I’m a big Leonardo DiCaprio fan (yeah yeah, whatever) and I’m a casual fan of Martin Scorsese.  A good reason why I saw the ending coming was perhaps because the ads for the movie had to go shouting “holy shit you won’t believe the ending!” , which seemingly invokes my paranoia.  It was the same way with the Six Sense, I totally knew that the dude was dead…still, I loved the movie.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to see a movie that does have a twist that surprises me…in a BIG WAY.  Some movies have flirted with this, take for example another Scorsese movie The Departed, I honestly did not see Billy Costigan getting shot in the head coming.  Other examples escape me at the moment but as for that movie with the twist that totally blindsides me…I don’t think there’s been a film that has done that.  So…I want one…but perhaps if I want one then that is already a check against me being truly surprised.  It’s a slippery philosophical slope indeed…

Apologies to all…I have been distracted. After days of computer-directed rage, a cable repairman’s befuddlement, and much re-installing, I have won The Computer War against my desktop. My spoils of war include a pasty, zoned-out complexion and a severe Vitamin D deficiency. Viva La Revolución!!

—Uncle Phil

For the first time in years, I am actually really, REALLY looking forward to a Pro-Wrestling PPV. And it’s a TNA show, no less!

TNA has decided to bring old Hardcore heroes back together again for one final go-round with the cheese graters and Singapore Canes, with this Sunday’s show…TNA Hard(Core) Justice.

It’s obvious to all watching TNA lately that there’s many parallels with the old ECW-style of the 1990’s. RVD has jumped in and become their Heavyweight Champion, guys like Mick Foley, Taz, Raven & Stevie Richards are becoming a TNA fixture, as well as older stalwarts like past TNA stars Jerry Lynn and The Sandman.

But really, (I hear you asking…) is the whole ECW thing done & re-done to death? Yeah. It is. It really is. And that’s coming from one of the biggest ECW fans on the planet. BUT…we never got it done RIGHT. When WWE decided to revive the ECW-Brand in 2006 after a phenomenal reunion PPV (ECW One Night Stand 2005—the last really good show WWE’s had since) and unprecedented sales of ECW history DVD’s, the relaunch of ECW…it really seemed like a no-brainer. The fans wanted it, and there was a real absence of that hardcore style of wrestling on TV.

But, like most things WWE touches these days, it quickly became an utter disappointment. It began promising, with a roster full of past ECW luminaries…but they were quickly sorted out and let go, and the WWE/ECW show became a second-tier Friday Night SmackDown…a proving ground for their developing wrestlers…and not even a complete show in itself. Yeah, it had some high moments, but it ultimately failed to recapture that proverbial “lighting in a bottle.” It lacked that original identity that ECW had. ECW was counter-culture…it was revolutionary. It defied the conventions of pro wrestling and forged a shaky, but undeniable legacy. WWE’s ECW was simply a bleed-over for the matches they didn’t have time for on Raw or SmackDown.

And for longtime fans, it broke the sense of legacy that ECW had. We all hoped it would creep back in, but ultimately, it was a flop.

Now it’s August 2010. ECW has been absent from our TV screens since February, and slowly…the old hardcore stars have been turning up on TNA programming. Free of WWE’s sabotage of their legacy, this reunion PPV represents for them and us, a real palpable sense of validation. Of redemption. It says to those who sneered at the original ECW and it’s laughable knock-off that this is what we want to see on a pro-wrestling TV show. And even if it only lasts for that one night, finally we faithful fans will get that closure we were denied by the original promotions bankruptcy & it’s aborted rebirth. And wrestling…don’t forget the wrestling. REAL. HARDCORE. WRESTLING. Just some kicking ass, taking names, and bodies left in the rubble!

Vince McMahon’s “PG-themed” WWE of the past few years has really left a visible absence of the very thing that propelled them to the top of the heap…goddamn’ heart & soul driven WRESTLING. Not 5-minute championship matches and 20-minute boring match promos. And that heart, that soul, that dedication to their audience…it’s the one thing that ECW had in abundance. That’s why new fans are looking forward to this show, and that’s why ECW’s real legacy is one that old-school fans like me will always revere & never forget.

—Uncle Phil

For more information and the full line-up, go to:  http://www.hardcorejustice.com/

I have decided to take up Flying. But not like, with a plane or anything. Because they’d all be expecting that. Too cumbersome, anyway. So, I’m gonna use my mind instead. I figure staring at the ground for a few hours will start the mental dominance/forward momentum going, right? Right?? So, why are you looking at me like THAT now? And oh…I KNOW you ARE.

—Uncle Phil

This week, Former Vice President , Nobel prize winner, &  alleged  crazed sex poodle  Al Gore was cleared of accusations that he groped and assaulted a masseuse in an upscale Portland Oregon (that’s funny all by itself) hotel room in 2006.

After prosecutors investigated the complaint for the past 4 weeks, it was stated that there was no basis for prosecution. Citing  contradictory evidence, conflicting witness statements, credibility issues, lack of forensic evidence and denials by Mr. Gore.  It was further added that masseuse  Molly Hagerty and her attorneys were uncooperative with prosecutors, witnesses could not remember anything unusual, and Hagerty failed a polygraph examination and refusing to answer whether she was paid by the National Enquirer for her sharing the details of her story or not—serving to make her veracity even more suspect.

Now, the timing of this complaint’s investigation is intriguing to me…She first contacted police in 2006 through an attorney, claiming  unwanted sexual contact  by Gore, but nobody wanted to detail anything further.. She then failed to show up at 3 scheduled meetings with Portland detectives, and the attorney finally said it would be handled as a civil complaint. Then she shows up at the police station in 2009, wanting to file a criminal complaint against Gore…and making a VERY DETAILED (uch) complaint against him…much of which has been either brought into question, or dismissed altogether.

So, what changed in those 3 years? I don’t want to minimize the importance of the rights for those women who are sexually assaulted or taken advantage of—but was money a factor in her reporting this? Was she financially compensated for her story or not? And did the timing have anything to do with the dissolution of his marriage? Gore is on the outs with his wife & has filed for divorce, announcing that they are separating after 40 years of marriage on June 1 in an e-mail to friends.

Whether this alleged incident happened or not…in my opinion, it only serves to damage a lame-duck former politicians’ reputation, and make things difficult for any other sexual assault victims of famous people with overactive libidos. Gore aides welcomed the news of the charges being dismissed…but there was no comment about the state of the status of the “release of his second chakra.” Ewwww. Either way, everyone involved ends up losing here.

—Uncle Phil

To my surprise, the public perception of BP in the media seems to have shifted more positively, following news that Tony Hayward would be stepping down as chairman of the company after a he spouted number of insensitive statements made about the disaster’s impact on residents of the gulf area, and minimizing the ecological impact of the BP gulf oil spill.

Now with the news that Hayward is literally falling on his sword, all the media talking heads are carrying the line that everything down there is “perhaps it isn’t quite as bad as the headlines suggested in the heat of the moment.” Are they kidding us with this bullshit, or what???

Since the well was capped less than two weeks ago, most of the oil slicks in the Gulf of Mexico have vanished; and it was discovered that Oil drilling company Transocean, which owned the drilling rig–not BP, disabled a critical alarm system before the blast, and were the recipient of the finger of blame from BP and Hayward as he squirmed under the light or public scrutiny.  Scientists currently examining the Gulf oil spill’s environmental impact stated that warnings of an ecological calamity were overblown; and even the damn Coast Guard admitted that a it may have been the poorly managed response to the rig fire, rather than the explosion itself, that caused the DeepWater Horizon rig to sink so quickly and foul the Gulf with oil. Everybody seems to backing off the stick & efforts on the cleanup are now slated to be “scaled back.”

So, what’s the real story here? If the public perception here shifted with the ousting of Hayward, then BP has to be lauded with the most successful media handjob…in HISTORY. It may seem unlikely that this solely was responsible for the change in direction, as the BP-hate-storm rolled by weeks before it became clear that Hayward was going. But why shrug off the story now?

Easy answer. BP has been squeezed by America for just about every cent it can get…plus, The leak is plugged, and that footage of oil spilling into the gulf is now only showcased as “archived.”

The press predictably, has moved on to the next big media shitstorm, and all the doomsayers have been shown to have egg on their face as cleanup efforts have gone better than they had first expected.

But even with the success efforts have shown recently…it’s still a huge destructive mess down there—and the impact on residents of that region is still very real…and I think we as Americans are doing a massive disservice to them by letting our attentions wander so lazily. But the public gets bored easily and becomes embarrassed that such a tragedy goes on in their own backyards, when the majority doesn’t bother to lift a finger to help out. We love hearing about tragedy & being outraged, but get bored easily when there’s nobody left to point the finger of blame at. There’s history behind this claim, and you all know it.  9/11, anyone?

So shame on you America…shame on you for being led around so easily by the collar. I’m embarrassed for all of us. Really. It’s a damn disgrace. I urge anybody reading these words to NOT let this story die, NOT let these companies off the hook, and NOT to forget those down in the Gulf region–whether human or all other ecologically impacted species—affected by this calamity. If we continue to turn our heads away like this, it only makes future tragedies like this inevitable to avoid.

—Uncle Phil

The Top 5 Films I’m Ashamed To Admit I Love

Ah, DVD shelf…truly, you hold no shame. But you do hold many, many shameful films. Face it, everybody has those DVD’s we buy in a moment of brain confusion. The movies or TV collections we love to watch, even though they’re just…awful. Goddamn-stink-on-your-shoes-AWFUL. Here’s mine & why.

5. Josie & the Pussycats (2001)
Yeah, I’m leading strong outta the box with this one. This movie is a failed send-up/parody of all the teen pop-rock & roll movies we were deluged with in the late 90’s/early 2000’s. As a guilty pleasure though, you can’t help but to get into it. Starring Rachael Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson, and Tara Reid before she passed her “sell-by date,” It moves quick, has some particularly clever humor, and skewers pop-celebrity culture. It’s also a double-whammy for me, as I was also a fan of the cartoon when I was a kid. I even watched that ‘toon when they went to space. Yeah. SPACE. Moving on now.

4. Judge Dredd (1995)
Sly Stallone does his slightly drooling take on the U.K.’s iconic fascist lawman in this 1995 sci-fi opus and inexplicably, brings SNL “Funny-Man” Rob Schneider along for the ride. Why? You know, I really have no idea. The comic property was a dark dystopian view of the future, and this reduces it to the level of 80’s buddy-cop film. With Diane Lane & Joan Chen as the eye candy, and Armand Assante in one of the MOST over-the-top film baddie roles in celluloid action history, Judge Dredd slurred it’s way into my heart with it’s bleak vision of the future, fast-paced action & really, REALLY hysterical incoherent Stallone quotes. Seriously, did he have dental work done just before shooting this picture?

3. Evolution (2001)
This is actually a decent film, yet it was overlooked when it hit theaters. However, it represents another in the streak of failed comedies in recent memory from legendary “Ghostbusters” director Ivan Reitman. An alien-invasion comedy film, Starring David Duchovny (the X-File guy), Orlando Jones (the 7-Up guy), Julianne Moore (the Boogie Nights chick. No…the OTHER one), and Seann William Scott (the ANNOYING guy), this movie just seemed to have abundant amounts of a good thing, but was ultimately flawed in its execution of bringing those elements together. An uneven effort at best, but still a hoot.

2. The Dukes Of Hazzard (2005)
Another raping of a classic TV property, and another film on the list with Seann William Scott! Coincidence? Not bloody likely. This is a hard movie to really hate, with people like Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson, Johnny Knoxville, and a “when-she-didn’t-wear-Mom-jeans” Jessica Simpson (really, people…calling HER fat? Honestly.) But if you’re comparing it to the beloved 80’s car-chase show, you’re gonna come up short. It’s a bit harder, decidedly more geared to adults, and quick with the foul language & nudity. It does however, retain the spirit of fun & rebellion the original had. For that alone, not even counting the kick-ass soundtrack, along with a well-done job of direction from Broken Lizard alum Jay Chandrasekhar, it takes the #2 spot on the list.

1. Jason X (2002)
Okay. I’m not gonna lie. This is the WORST movie on this list. Maybe the worst in the voluminous “Friday The 13th” series. But it’s fun. And oh god, it is FUNNY. It knows it too. With throwaway lines like…”This sucks on so many levels.” Clearly a commentary on the film itself. And the hysterical spin on the classic sleeping bag murder gag alone guarantees it a place in the warmed cackles of my hardened heart. It deliberately pokes fun at it’s own slasher film status in every scene. And as far as the script goes? It’s gotta be the most original & imaginative take in the series to date. Plus the moment when the cybernetically rebuilt “ÜberJason” strides in on screen, you clearly have to give up any hope of reclaiming any dignity you had before watching this film & just agree to embrace the cheese openly. So go watch this movie. Love this movie. Just don’t tell anybody else you love this movie. Not unless you have blog space you need to fill. *shameless plug*

So, that’s my personal list of the best of the worst. Agree? Disagree? Let us know by either commenting below, e-mailing us at podbotch@gmail.com, or letting your voice be heard on our Facebook & Twitter feeds. So many opportunities to let your opinion be heard. Soooooooo much celluloid cheese. Go watch in good health & even better cheer!

—Uncle Phil

I just went out into the living room here at Chez Philipe & saw my step-brother and his kids watching the latest “end of the world” disaster film, “2012.” *sigh* When are people gonna actually wake up & literally see the poo splattered on the wall?

I’ve said this before & I’ll say it again. The world will not end in 2012, nor will we be struck by a comet…or overrun by a zombie virus.

We will be overtaken by the apes. The DAMN, DIRTY APES!!!

And now they’re armed!!! They’re already planning their simian jihad! Look!

Yeah. TERRORIST MONKEYS. What do you think they’re promised if they become suicide bombers? All the fresh fruits & veggies they can eat, plus 37 monkey virgins? Madness!!!

Won’t be long before we get this in real life either:

Y’see? Give a monkey a gun, and all hell will rain down on our sorry asses! Prophecy, bitches!!! I’ve always said that Roddy McDowell was always a turncoat! A real Uncle Bonzo!!! (I look forward to your letters.)

Of course, you’ll notice I left out the eventuality of us being overtaken by the Robot menace. That’s because Robots & Apes are currently running neck & neck on the sheer evil scale. As of this moment, it’s a push. Just don’t let a monkey near a keyboard in SkyNet.

And god forbid the day the Apes & Robots form an alliance to create super-monkey-cyborg-ape-Borg thingies!!! When that happens, we are truly all BONED.

—Uncle Phil

I don’t know where they keep getting these things. These ghastly abysmal RANCID “original” movies. It’s bad enough that they just popped a squat & squeezed one out all over one of my all-time favorites…King Features Syndicate’s classic pulp hero, “The Phantom.” Horrible , horrible miniseries. Couldn’t make it through more than a half-hour of it. It made me wanna weep as a Phantom fan. Truly Craptacular. And then, there’s the OTHER stuff they put out. Stuff like:

Mansquito

Mega Piranha

Mega Snake

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Megafault (Title says it all, really.)

DinoCroc

SuperGator

DinoCroc vs. SuperGator (Yeah. REALLY. I gather there were so MANY unanswered questions from the other two ones.)

Flu Bird Horror

Ice Spiders

Malibu Shark Attack

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

The list goes on & on, but those are just some of the “highlights.” For fans of science fiction, horror, or just plain old cable TV…this roster reads out like a list of Nazi war crimes!

Now they, along with famed Z-Movie director Roger Corman…present thier most recent opus. I give you the part-shark, part-Octopus……….

Sharktopus

Yeahhhhhhhh. Sharktopus. And yes, that was Eric Roberts you saw in there too. He used to have a career, did you know that?

Seriously…This has gotta stop. I mean, sometimes this network has a good thing going, like the remake of Battlestar Galactica, all those varied Stargate shows, or something like Warehouse 13 (which is a fun little show I was able to catch the other night). But they far outweigh their positive accomplishments with this cinematic drek. And calling it drek is being kind, frankly. Some of this stuff makes MST3K type films look positively golden.

Yeah. The line must be drawn…here! *obscure trek reference!*

So, I call upon you…you, the  assembled hordes of Geekdom! Storm Comic-Con 2010 and string these guys up with your official Indiana Jones licensed whips & Batman Batarangs!!! Pelt them with your dried meat snacks & empty Mountain Dew cans! Shame them with your varied & poorly referenced comic book in-joke references & condescension!!! The madness MUST END!!! Down with SYFY!!!

—Uncle Phil