PodBotch

In 2010, it can be safely said that the Comic Book Superhero genre is box-office king. Movies like Iron Man & The Dark Knight raked in not only huge sums of money, but their fair share of critical acclaim as well. Comic book characters have finally moved past their long-held label of being “for-geeks-only” films. Movie studios are hungry to get their mitts on any successful comic book license they can, and A-List actors & directors are signing up to help bring these 3-Color icons to life. It’s taken over 30 years, but the comic book movie has finally gone mainstream.

But Superheros didn’t always have this kind of celluloid good fortune. The genre has had more than it’s share of setbacks & celluloid brown-shoes. For every single hero franchise hit, there’s been at least twice the number of big-budget super-flops (Catwoman, anyone?). Comic book fans have always been a very fickle & highly vocal audience.

But there’s those kinds of bad Superhero films…and then there’s just the “WHU???” kind of film. That’s the kind of Superhero property that doesn’t seem to fit into any commercial hero genre properly. The kind of movie which really makes you sit, shake your head, and wonder “why?” “How did something like this ever get the money to even be made?” These are the kind of characters I want to take a look at here. The misfit toys that make you look back and either giggle or groan. Or both! So, I present the top 5 strangest…the top 5 oddest…the top 5 “WHU???” Superhero Movie & TV characters ever seen.

5. Argoman/Sir Reginald Hoover (The Incredible Paris Incident, 1967)

Here he is! Watch out!! No one and nothing seems able to stop the blatant cheese of Argoman—the “fantastic” superman!!! The title character of 1967’s Italian-made superhero film, “The Incredible Paris Incident“—obscure hero Argoman gets a nod here on this list at #5 simply due to the uhmm…“odd” nature of his powers. Every hero has an Achilles heel, and Argoman is no different. It just so happens that his particular Kryptonite is…women. Yup, Argoman & his alter-ego of the inexplicably wealthy playboy criminologist Sir Reginald Hoover just can’t seem to eye away from any pretty lady he sees.

How exactly he made so much money from being a criminologist, I have no clue…but Argoman in either identity is deemed as the “ultimate man” that women just can’t stop lusting after. What’s the secret? Does he drink Dos Equis? I wonder. His powers range from telepathy, super-strength, telekinesis, magnetism, and the ability to run a lot over long distances in really tight spandex. However, after every sexual conquest Argoman has, he loses his powers for the next 6 hours.

Yeah. You read that correctly. He loses his super-mojo every time he makes the beast with two backs. You can mentally insert your own euphemisms here. I don’t mind. Take all the time you need. I’ll wait.

Back already? Awesome. As I was saying, Argoman is an interesting rarity of the “swinging sixties”…a superhero allegory for safe sex. Argoman’s evil nemesis here is a redheaded vixen bent on world-domination who is backed up by a plethora of sexy lady murderesses & clunky monotone bullet-firing robots that are apparently designed to nail Argoman right in his twig & two berries. Seriously! Watch that trailer all the way through!! And those repetitive robots—“Kill each other…kill each other…”—Watching this movie will make you want to kill something, that’s for damn certain.

4. The Pumaman/Tony Farms (The Pumaman, 1980)

Yes…we must find the Pumaman! Mild-mannered professor & shag hair-helmeted Tony Farms is apparently (and unbeknownst to him) the latest incarnation in the long-spanning line of Puma-men. The most noteworthy thing about this film is that Pumaman’s evil foe is played by friggin’ Bond film baddie Donald Pleasence!! That’s some pretty hardcore casting for a cheese action flick! I mean, Pleasence has certainly made his share of stinker films before, but to do this one—I’m thinking he must have been behind on his condo payment, or something. Pleasence is actually quoted on IMDB.com as saying that Pumaman was “the worst movie he had ever been in.” I’m shocked, actually. This one’s his worst? “Warrior of the Lost World” beat this one out in his estimation? Does he watch his films at all?? Ever???

Already born with a natural cat-like agility (some would say, like a Puma…), the Pumaman is gifted with a magical Aztec golden belt that further enables him to fly, see in the dark, sense oncoming danger (a *groan* “Puma-Sense”), super strength, ability to walk through walls, and even goddamn kung-fu grip, apparently.

But that’s still not even the thing that puts Pumaman in the #4 Super-Mort slot. What does put him here, is that this magical golden belt also unfortunately gives him the silliest, most low-rent, cheapest-looking Superhero outfit in the history of EVER—an embroidered logo sweatshirt, a poncho-cape hybrid…thingy, & khaki slacks. Khaki. SLACKS. Either his super-grandma knitted it for him last Christmas, or he’s powered by the might of your local Old Navy outlet store. “By the power of my affordable sale-priced Aztec fleece!!!!” Really. Nobody should be in a hurry to find this guy. Epic fail, Pleasence. Epic…fail.

3. AutoMan/”Otto J. Mann” (12 Episodes on ABC, 1983-1984 season)

Automan, or the “Automatic Man”, (played by Chuck Wagner) was the computer-generated creation of police officer/computer programmer Walter Nebicher (played by Desi Arnaz, Jr.).

Backed only with the desire to fight street crime & a trusty Commodore 64, Walter (for god knows what reason) created a sentient, holographic hero ready to not only battle the forces of evil—but to battle the inevitable copyright lawsuit from Disney for infringing on it’s trademark on the then just-released motion picture, “TRON.”

Automan, and his mute, glowing sidekick “Cursor ” (*sigh*) created a variety of TRON-inspired vehicles (planes, bikes, helicopters…oh, and an “Auto-Car” too, if you were wondering) that took his brand of digital justice to the streets.

Automan is our #3 “Super-Melvin,” not for his ripped-off cyber-shtick—but for his inability to conquer the forces of…sunlight. Yep. The energy crisis of the 70’s was still an issue for poor Automan, as he was unable to manifest properly in the daytime due to his extreme electrical demands on an already overworked city power grid. There’s a sexual euphemism here, but I’m gonna let it slide. So to speak. Oh, Eww…too late. Quickly, moving on…

Also there’s Automan’s general arrogant attitude…loudly & obliviously proclaiming his programming as being superior to humans—an “11 out of 10.” This Skynet second-cousin may think he’s all that & a bag of 3 & a half inch floppy discs…but guess what? Us puny humans can strut like Travolta down Sunset Boulevard at a half-past noon without blowing a fuse. You like my tan, you second-rate light-cycle humper? Suck it, lightboy. Ctrl-Alt-Delete!!!!

2. Condorman/Woodrow ”Woody“ Wilkins (Condorman, 1981)

I apologize for the non-English language dub in the previous YouTube clip, but if you can find it…I encourage you to search either the internet or your local DVD store to fully experience the pure camp of Walt Disney’s comic adventure “Condorman.”

Condorman has actually gained cult status amongst Die-hard Disney fans, even recently garnering an assistant editor’s petition for him to appear in the pages of Marvel’s “Amazing Spider-Man” comic—a petition that’s still currently in circulation. (Please, don’t find it & vote for it.)

But who IS…Condorman? As the film’s tagline says, “He Spies–He Flies–He Death-Defies!!!”  But he also whines. Oh, GOD does he ever do a shitload of whining. Condorman is actually the brainchild of hapless cartoonist “Woody” Woodrow Wilkins , played with the annoyingly high-pitched, screechingly obnoxious vocal pitch & East-Village angst of Broadway star Michael Crawford (Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “The Phantom Of the Opera”).

Woody is a comic-book creator that refuses to create a non-reality-based superhero character. Boy, are you in the wrong business, buddy. In his attempts to virtually conceptualize his “Condorman”character, he is tasked by the CIA to assist in the defection of a Russian woman, and is insanely completely financially funded by the CIA in the ludicrous intent of bringing his fictional creation to life—with a variety of Condor-themed gadgets and vehicles, including the inevitable “Condormobile.” What, no “Condor Shark-Repellant?” I call SHENANIGANS!!!!!!!

There’s a lot here to shake your head at. First of all, having the CIA fund a hack writer’s hero dreams is stupid enough of a premise. Don’t they have agents with years of training on hand to help keep 80’s Democracy safe already? Why pound our tax dollars into an inexperienced civilian that whipped up this ridiculous hang glider chicken suit in his garage? Honestly? I blame Reagan. After the air-traffic controllers strike, those jellybeans really went to his head, I think.  Yup, Jellybeans. The silent killer.

Condorman is deserving of the #2 slot simply because he’s a comedic kid’s version of James Bond. An annoying…whiny…oblivious..obnoxious kid’s version of Bond. Oh, is this film ever over the top. But it does hold all the Bond movie trademarks…fast cars, cool gadgets, exotic women, and no shame. NO. SHAME.

The Condor flying apparatus crafted by the titular character is just insanely gaudy. You keep hoping they’ll pull a “Kick-Ass” twist where he dives off a building—then plummets to his death—THEN gets pummeled by Russian goons just for good measure. Glasnost & Perestroika could not have come soon enough for this crow of a film.

1. Officer Dave Speed (Super Fuzz, a.k.a. “Super Snooper,” 1980)

At the head of the tail end of the Superhero Special-Ed. class, I give you Miami Police Officer Dave Speed (Terence Hill). Poor Dave. He’s having such a bad day. After crossing a swamp in a canoe to post an unpaid parking ticket on an Indian’s empty Teepee, then facing down the snout of a hungry Alligator, he gets caught in the fallout of an atomic blast from an experimental nuclear missile test. One of his own making, actually. In trying to scare off the Gator, he fires his gun into the air…and accidentally SHOOTS DOWN THE NUCLEAR MISSILE. Really, you can’t make this crap up.

After being exposed to the crimson dust & rays of the warhead’s experimental “Red Plutonium”…instead of turning to ash or getting Cancer, Dave gains a litany of super-powers. He’s super-strong, super-fast, gets mental precognitive flashes of danger, can parallel-park delivery trucks with his mind, talk to fish—you name it—he can do it.  Until he encounters the one force that can bring this Super-Cop to a screeching halt…the color Red. A-Yup. Red. Every time he sees the color red, it short-circuits his superpowers.

The plot’s rationale is that seeing as the color red is all Dave was able to see at the moment of his irradiation with the “Red Plutonium,” (why not?) for some reason it’s the only thing that can break his concentration & halt use of his super-abilities. And honestly, as plot-points go—It’s no more ridiculous than a magic Green space ring that turns into useless gaudy costume jewelry from the exposure/presence of the color Yellow (Really, Hollywood…Ryan Reynolds? Really???).

Thought for dead, Dave reappears to the shock of everyone, including his superior officer, Sgt. Willy Dunlop (played by the always amusing Ernest Borgnine), who loudly proclaims that “If a man gets caught in the heart of an atomic blast, the least thing he can do is drop dead!!!” Nice. Empathy…thy name is Borgnine.

This Italian-Made Superhero comedic romp—and honestly…what IS it with you & these weird Superhero movies, Italy?—gleefully lampoons the whole hero genre, and never ever takes itself too seriously. Whether it’s a cryogenically preserved flatfoot, Nuns & Elephants, a flying wad of chewing gum, an express trip to China, or the film’s bad guy Italian Mafiosos (infused with a healthy dose of “Three Stooges” slapstick)…Super Fuzz is the ultimate guilty pleasure of bad Superhero movies. You can’t help but enjoy it in spite of yourself, and that’s why it’s ranked at #1.

It’s got an infectious soundtrack too. I’ve been humming that “Super Fuzz/Super Snooper” theme song (performed by “The Oceans”) since I saw it as a kid…for 30 damn years!  It’s catchy, dammit!  You can hear it in that trailer…and it’s ‘freakin awesome…totally has that awesome thumping Disco beat. Soon enough, you’ll be whistling it in the supermarket without even realizing it. “He’s a Supah-Snoopah—Really Supah-Dupah!!!”

Previously a constant, almost daily staple of HBO’s early 1980’s movie library (normally sandwiched between their daytime adult film library & tons of disco roller-boogie films), “Super Fuzz/Super Snooper” only recently resurfaced on DVD with a few minor extras…including cast bios & production photos. I hadda seek it out & get it. So, if you can find it either in your Netflix queue or your Wal-Mart bargain bin, give this oddball film a shot. I guarantee you it’s worth the time & cash.

There was literally a full metric ton of other superhero movies & TV that I researched for superhero archetypes in compiling this train wreck, & the list below is just a mere sampling of  ‘em. Here’s a few honorable mentions for those who are interested & want to follow up this article with more classic retro cheese:

The Isis/Shazam Power Hour!, Manimal, Zapped!, Knight Rider, UltraMan, Batman (1966), Voyagers, Supergirl, Masters of The Universe (1987), Batman & Robin (1997), Airwolf, Gamera, My Science Project, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Mystery Men, The Powers Of Matthew Star, Catwoman, Beauty & The Beast (1987), Wonder Woman (1975), Defenders Of The Earth, The Greatest American Hero, MegaForce, Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, Hulk (2003), & the long-forgotten gem, 1985’s Misfits of Science (You rock on, Johnny B!!!).

For more information on these titles, PodBotch.com urges you to consult your local Library. They have DVD’s now! Oh yeah, and some books too.

So, that’s it! We made it!! Woot Woot!!! That’s a wrap!!!! Kudos to you for sticking with us for this whole piece!!!!! But, if you did make it through this entire list unscathed…to be brutally blunt…what are you trying to avoid??? I mean, really. Get your ass back to work already. Like I’ve got the time to go on like this all damn day. Seriously, dude. I got errands to run, appointments to keep, and then I gotta do my grocery shopping, & later fill up my gas tank before I drive down to the…….Jesus, why are you STILL here?

Honestly—If you like this stuff so much, please…go send us your fan feedback on anything you’ve seen here at PodBotch@gmail.com. Or comment below. Then go earn your working wage, monkey. I’m busy.

Seeya in Superhero Hell!!!!

—Uncle Phil

(Uncle Phil is a Supah-Snoopah. He’s really Supah-Dupah.)

Originally just one of several faux trailers packaged in 2007’s  Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino’s exploitation film Double feature “Grindhouse,” …Machete was originally presented in the trailer as a hyper-violent Mexican B-movie, where a day-laborer hired as an assassin, later only to be burned by his employers & proceeds on a bloody rage of revenge.

Got all that? Good. Because between the pitch & the actual film, there’s not alot different there. Even the footage is recycled!

Machete is director Robert Rodriguez’ love letter/homage/parody to the over-the-top racial exploitation movies of the 1970’s & early 1980’s. And If you’re going to see this film—you, as the viewer already have no illusions as to what you’re getting for your overpriced ticket—blood, violence, explosions, sex, and lots of sharp stabby-stabby thingies.  If you try & elevate it beyond what it offers on face value, you’re gonna fall short. And frankly, why would you even want to? This is what makes Machete work as an enjoyable bloody cinematic romp.

Plus, there’s the unabashed stunt casting as well. As this is longtime character-actor Danny Trejo’s (Machete) first film as a lead actor, Rodriguez works overtime backing his deliberately taciturn performance up with a who’s-who of A-List actors such as Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodrieguez, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, and Steven Segal…in what I believe is his first ever movie role as a bad guy. And looking at that list, you’d think that the casting would spiral the film downward into cliched actor line read-screenwanking, but it surprisingly works. Everybody knows what they’re expected to do, and no performance monopolizes anybody else’s. although, I must confess as to whether they gave Lindsay Lohan a script. Surely, they just followed her with a camera for a few days & then bridged the film around her, right?

Machete has been getting some conservative political rancor of late, due to some Republican’s appraisal of the film as being “pro anchor-babies & illegal immigration & a blatant admonishment of the recent immigration laws in places like Arizona.” Seriously, people…grow up. This is a modern day realization of the cartoonish, sex & violent B-Movie genre…and nothing more. Anything anybody else says otherwise is just on the bandwagon of the midterm election-season, talking head, “Listen to me, & be outraged because I need your vote” garbage.

Nobody going to see this movie will walk out of it taking what they’ve seen seriously, or will go out & start an American-Mexican race war. Don’t be insane. It’s a MOVIE, people. Just a goddamn movie! Entertainment! And if those with such a strong viewpoint would get over themselves & let go of the BS buzz being spouted by those politico-wannabe’s looking for some face time on FOX News, they might actually find that they’d enjoy the experience of having seen it. At the very least, I walked out of there with a new-found appreciation of the strength & versatile uses of the human intestinal tract.

So there. That’s my take.  Machete is really a guilty pleasure to be honest, but it works extraordinarily well as long as you don’t make too much out of it. If I had one complaint about the film, it would be only to say that the time-line of events is confusing, and it jumps a bit from scene to scene, but I really think that’s a result of the director’s choice to pace it like similar to the slew of B-Movie genre films that preceded it…complete with sloppy editing & all.

So go & see Machete. It really works best as a communal experience, so take your best buddies along with you & have some fun with it. Enjoy the horrific outlandishness of it. If this film does well, perhaps we’ll get the promised sequels it merits. Personally, I’m hoping for Machete Kills 3-D. Because SOMEONE has to end this absurd 3-D fad. And as some of the other fake trailers from Grindhouse are actually becoming full-length features (Thanksgiving, Hobo With A Shotgun) maybe if we’re all lucky…we can see a full feature film version one day of Rob Zombie’s “Werewolf Women of the SS.” Because any movie with the balls to cast Nicholas Cage as “Fu Manchu” has GOTTA be at least worth a look-see.

(Rating: 4 out of 5)

Machete stars Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, & Steven Segal. A 20th Century Fox film, directed by Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis.
Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, language, some sexual content and nudity.
Running time: 1:45
Release date: September 3rd, 2010—in theaters now.

“County Law! Izzat County Law??!?! County Law!! County Law!!! We gonna be on County Law!!! Oh Yeah, umm…bye-bye sister. Weeeeee-hawwww!!!! COUNTY LAW!!!!!!!!!”

Ohhhhh, Alabama. I just ♥ you. But, not in that way. That kinda tender, sweet Alabammy lovin’ is better left between you & your cousins. Or your Uncles. Or…livestock. Whomever’s  got more teeth than you, I guess.

—Uncle Phil

I have this horrible ability to always know that the twist ending in a movie is, not because I’m smart or understand the esoteric nature of storytelling…I have no clue why, perhaps I’m psychic.  This doesn’t really make the movie less enjoyable for me, but I really wish one day I would be surprised by a twist in the plot.

I’ve been concerned the last few years that perhaps I’m flirting with paranoid schizophrenia, that one day I may indeed go crazy.  Well, that’s over stating it a bit…I was just going for something dramatic.  To be truthful however, paranoia has always been a cross for me to bear in my personal life, so it only makes sense that in some way it would transfer over to my intake of entertainment.  Note that fact that this paranoia I speak of is not something debilitating but still an aspect of my personality I would rather be different.

Anyways, enough of exploring my own psyche.  I just watched Shutter Island (I know it’s old news) and totally saw the ending coming.  I loved the movie, I’m a big Leonardo DiCaprio fan (yeah yeah, whatever) and I’m a casual fan of Martin Scorsese.  A good reason why I saw the ending coming was perhaps because the ads for the movie had to go shouting “holy shit you won’t believe the ending!” , which seemingly invokes my paranoia.  It was the same way with the Six Sense, I totally knew that the dude was dead…still, I loved the movie.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to see a movie that does have a twist that surprises me…in a BIG WAY.  Some movies have flirted with this, take for example another Scorsese movie The Departed, I honestly did not see Billy Costigan getting shot in the head coming.  Other examples escape me at the moment but as for that movie with the twist that totally blindsides me…I don’t think there’s been a film that has done that.  So…I want one…but perhaps if I want one then that is already a check against me being truly surprised.  It’s a slippery philosophical slope indeed…

Apologies to all…I have been distracted. After days of computer-directed rage, a cable repairman’s befuddlement, and much re-installing, I have won The Computer War against my desktop. My spoils of war include a pasty, zoned-out complexion and a severe Vitamin D deficiency. Viva La Revolución!!

—Uncle Phil

For the first time in years, I am actually really, REALLY looking forward to a Pro-Wrestling PPV. And it’s a TNA show, no less!

TNA has decided to bring old Hardcore heroes back together again for one final go-round with the cheese graters and Singapore Canes, with this Sunday’s show…TNA Hard(Core) Justice.

It’s obvious to all watching TNA lately that there’s many parallels with the old ECW-style of the 1990’s. RVD has jumped in and become their Heavyweight Champion, guys like Mick Foley, Taz, Raven & Stevie Richards are becoming a TNA fixture, as well as older stalwarts like past TNA stars Jerry Lynn and The Sandman.

But really, (I hear you asking…) is the whole ECW thing done & re-done to death? Yeah. It is. It really is. And that’s coming from one of the biggest ECW fans on the planet. BUT…we never got it done RIGHT. When WWE decided to revive the ECW-Brand in 2006 after a phenomenal reunion PPV (ECW One Night Stand 2005—the last really good show WWE’s had since) and unprecedented sales of ECW history DVD’s, the relaunch of ECW…it really seemed like a no-brainer. The fans wanted it, and there was a real absence of that hardcore style of wrestling on TV.

But, like most things WWE touches these days, it quickly became an utter disappointment. It began promising, with a roster full of past ECW luminaries…but they were quickly sorted out and let go, and the WWE/ECW show became a second-tier Friday Night SmackDown…a proving ground for their developing wrestlers…and not even a complete show in itself. Yeah, it had some high moments, but it ultimately failed to recapture that proverbial “lighting in a bottle.” It lacked that original identity that ECW had. ECW was counter-culture…it was revolutionary. It defied the conventions of pro wrestling and forged a shaky, but undeniable legacy. WWE’s ECW was simply a bleed-over for the matches they didn’t have time for on Raw or SmackDown.

And for longtime fans, it broke the sense of legacy that ECW had. We all hoped it would creep back in, but ultimately, it was a flop.

Now it’s August 2010. ECW has been absent from our TV screens since February, and slowly…the old hardcore stars have been turning up on TNA programming. Free of WWE’s sabotage of their legacy, this reunion PPV represents for them and us, a real palpable sense of validation. Of redemption. It says to those who sneered at the original ECW and it’s laughable knock-off that this is what we want to see on a pro-wrestling TV show. And even if it only lasts for that one night, finally we faithful fans will get that closure we were denied by the original promotions bankruptcy & it’s aborted rebirth. And wrestling…don’t forget the wrestling. REAL. HARDCORE. WRESTLING. Just some kicking ass, taking names, and bodies left in the rubble!

Vince McMahon’s “PG-themed” WWE of the past few years has really left a visible absence of the very thing that propelled them to the top of the heap…goddamn’ heart & soul driven WRESTLING. Not 5-minute championship matches and 20-minute boring match promos. And that heart, that soul, that dedication to their audience…it’s the one thing that ECW had in abundance. That’s why new fans are looking forward to this show, and that’s why ECW’s real legacy is one that old-school fans like me will always revere & never forget.

—Uncle Phil

For more information and the full line-up, go to:  http://www.hardcorejustice.com/

I have decided to take up Flying. But not like, with a plane or anything. Because they’d all be expecting that. Too cumbersome, anyway. So, I’m gonna use my mind instead. I figure staring at the ground for a few hours will start the mental dominance/forward momentum going, right? Right?? So, why are you looking at me like THAT now? And oh…I KNOW you ARE.

—Uncle Phil

This week, Former Vice President , Nobel prize winner, &  alleged  crazed sex poodle  Al Gore was cleared of accusations that he groped and assaulted a masseuse in an upscale Portland Oregon (that’s funny all by itself) hotel room in 2006.

After prosecutors investigated the complaint for the past 4 weeks, it was stated that there was no basis for prosecution. Citing  contradictory evidence, conflicting witness statements, credibility issues, lack of forensic evidence and denials by Mr. Gore.  It was further added that masseuse  Molly Hagerty and her attorneys were uncooperative with prosecutors, witnesses could not remember anything unusual, and Hagerty failed a polygraph examination and refusing to answer whether she was paid by the National Enquirer for her sharing the details of her story or not—serving to make her veracity even more suspect.

Now, the timing of this complaint’s investigation is intriguing to me…She first contacted police in 2006 through an attorney, claiming  unwanted sexual contact  by Gore, but nobody wanted to detail anything further.. She then failed to show up at 3 scheduled meetings with Portland detectives, and the attorney finally said it would be handled as a civil complaint. Then she shows up at the police station in 2009, wanting to file a criminal complaint against Gore…and making a VERY DETAILED (uch) complaint against him…much of which has been either brought into question, or dismissed altogether.

So, what changed in those 3 years? I don’t want to minimize the importance of the rights for those women who are sexually assaulted or taken advantage of—but was money a factor in her reporting this? Was she financially compensated for her story or not? And did the timing have anything to do with the dissolution of his marriage? Gore is on the outs with his wife & has filed for divorce, announcing that they are separating after 40 years of marriage on June 1 in an e-mail to friends.

Whether this alleged incident happened or not…in my opinion, it only serves to damage a lame-duck former politicians’ reputation, and make things difficult for any other sexual assault victims of famous people with overactive libidos. Gore aides welcomed the news of the charges being dismissed…but there was no comment about the state of the status of the “release of his second chakra.” Ewwww. Either way, everyone involved ends up losing here.

—Uncle Phil

To my surprise, the public perception of BP in the media seems to have shifted more positively, following news that Tony Hayward would be stepping down as chairman of the company after a he spouted number of insensitive statements made about the disaster’s impact on residents of the gulf area, and minimizing the ecological impact of the BP gulf oil spill.

Now with the news that Hayward is literally falling on his sword, all the media talking heads are carrying the line that everything down there is “perhaps it isn’t quite as bad as the headlines suggested in the heat of the moment.” Are they kidding us with this bullshit, or what???

Since the well was capped less than two weeks ago, most of the oil slicks in the Gulf of Mexico have vanished; and it was discovered that Oil drilling company Transocean, which owned the drilling rig–not BP, disabled a critical alarm system before the blast, and were the recipient of the finger of blame from BP and Hayward as he squirmed under the light or public scrutiny.  Scientists currently examining the Gulf oil spill’s environmental impact stated that warnings of an ecological calamity were overblown; and even the damn Coast Guard admitted that a it may have been the poorly managed response to the rig fire, rather than the explosion itself, that caused the DeepWater Horizon rig to sink so quickly and foul the Gulf with oil. Everybody seems to backing off the stick & efforts on the cleanup are now slated to be “scaled back.”

So, what’s the real story here? If the public perception here shifted with the ousting of Hayward, then BP has to be lauded with the most successful media handjob…in HISTORY. It may seem unlikely that this solely was responsible for the change in direction, as the BP-hate-storm rolled by weeks before it became clear that Hayward was going. But why shrug off the story now?

Easy answer. BP has been squeezed by America for just about every cent it can get…plus, The leak is plugged, and that footage of oil spilling into the gulf is now only showcased as “archived.”

The press predictably, has moved on to the next big media shitstorm, and all the doomsayers have been shown to have egg on their face as cleanup efforts have gone better than they had first expected.

But even with the success efforts have shown recently…it’s still a huge destructive mess down there—and the impact on residents of that region is still very real…and I think we as Americans are doing a massive disservice to them by letting our attentions wander so lazily. But the public gets bored easily and becomes embarrassed that such a tragedy goes on in their own backyards, when the majority doesn’t bother to lift a finger to help out. We love hearing about tragedy & being outraged, but get bored easily when there’s nobody left to point the finger of blame at. There’s history behind this claim, and you all know it.  9/11, anyone?

So shame on you America…shame on you for being led around so easily by the collar. I’m embarrassed for all of us. Really. It’s a damn disgrace. I urge anybody reading these words to NOT let this story die, NOT let these companies off the hook, and NOT to forget those down in the Gulf region–whether human or all other ecologically impacted species—affected by this calamity. If we continue to turn our heads away like this, it only makes future tragedies like this inevitable to avoid.

—Uncle Phil

The Top 5 Films I’m Ashamed To Admit I Love

Ah, DVD shelf…truly, you hold no shame. But you do hold many, many shameful films. Face it, everybody has those DVD’s we buy in a moment of brain confusion. The movies or TV collections we love to watch, even though they’re just…awful. Goddamn-stink-on-your-shoes-AWFUL. Here’s mine & why.

5. Josie & the Pussycats (2001)
Yeah, I’m leading strong outta the box with this one. This movie is a failed send-up/parody of all the teen pop-rock & roll movies we were deluged with in the late 90’s/early 2000’s. As a guilty pleasure though, you can’t help but to get into it. Starring Rachael Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson, and Tara Reid before she passed her “sell-by date,” It moves quick, has some particularly clever humor, and skewers pop-celebrity culture. It’s also a double-whammy for me, as I was also a fan of the cartoon when I was a kid. I even watched that ‘toon when they went to space. Yeah. SPACE. Moving on now.

4. Judge Dredd (1995)
Sly Stallone does his slightly drooling take on the U.K.’s iconic fascist lawman in this 1995 sci-fi opus and inexplicably, brings SNL “Funny-Man” Rob Schneider along for the ride. Why? You know, I really have no idea. The comic property was a dark dystopian view of the future, and this reduces it to the level of 80’s buddy-cop film. With Diane Lane & Joan Chen as the eye candy, and Armand Assante in one of the MOST over-the-top film baddie roles in celluloid action history, Judge Dredd slurred it’s way into my heart with it’s bleak vision of the future, fast-paced action & really, REALLY hysterical incoherent Stallone quotes. Seriously, did he have dental work done just before shooting this picture?

3. Evolution (2001)
This is actually a decent film, yet it was overlooked when it hit theaters. However, it represents another in the streak of failed comedies in recent memory from legendary “Ghostbusters” director Ivan Reitman. An alien-invasion comedy film, Starring David Duchovny (the X-File guy), Orlando Jones (the 7-Up guy), Julianne Moore (the Boogie Nights chick. No…the OTHER one), and Seann William Scott (the ANNOYING guy), this movie just seemed to have abundant amounts of a good thing, but was ultimately flawed in its execution of bringing those elements together. An uneven effort at best, but still a hoot.

2. The Dukes Of Hazzard (2005)
Another raping of a classic TV property, and another film on the list with Seann William Scott! Coincidence? Not bloody likely. This is a hard movie to really hate, with people like Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson, Johnny Knoxville, and a “when-she-didn’t-wear-Mom-jeans” Jessica Simpson (really, people…calling HER fat? Honestly.) But if you’re comparing it to the beloved 80’s car-chase show, you’re gonna come up short. It’s a bit harder, decidedly more geared to adults, and quick with the foul language & nudity. It does however, retain the spirit of fun & rebellion the original had. For that alone, not even counting the kick-ass soundtrack, along with a well-done job of direction from Broken Lizard alum Jay Chandrasekhar, it takes the #2 spot on the list.

1. Jason X (2002)
Okay. I’m not gonna lie. This is the WORST movie on this list. Maybe the worst in the voluminous “Friday The 13th” series. But it’s fun. And oh god, it is FUNNY. It knows it too. With throwaway lines like…”This sucks on so many levels.” Clearly a commentary on the film itself. And the hysterical spin on the classic sleeping bag murder gag alone guarantees it a place in the warmed cackles of my hardened heart. It deliberately pokes fun at it’s own slasher film status in every scene. And as far as the script goes? It’s gotta be the most original & imaginative take in the series to date. Plus the moment when the cybernetically rebuilt “ÜberJason” strides in on screen, you clearly have to give up any hope of reclaiming any dignity you had before watching this film & just agree to embrace the cheese openly. So go watch this movie. Love this movie. Just don’t tell anybody else you love this movie. Not unless you have blog space you need to fill. *shameless plug*

So, that’s my personal list of the best of the worst. Agree? Disagree? Let us know by either commenting below, e-mailing us at podbotch@gmail.com, or letting your voice be heard on our Facebook & Twitter feeds. So many opportunities to let your opinion be heard. Soooooooo much celluloid cheese. Go watch in good health & even better cheer!

—Uncle Phil